You can't be more wrong

You think I'm doing fine,
But darling you've got no idea what's on my mind.
Every night I fight my fears,
I fight the fear of dying alone,
I fight the fear of losing you, again,
For once I want to be able to hold you,
But you are nowhere to be found,
And when I hold you, I can't feel you,
When I feel you, I can't see you,
When I see you, I don't know you,
Because you're nothing like the girl I once loved.

And now when I can feel you, hold you and see you,
I can't stop reminding myself of how you screwed me over.
You took everything from me,
The only thing left is my sanity,
And even that is questionable.
Nothing is the same since you left me.
Nothing will ever be the same.

What he was and what I am

   So you think you've been through it all, but did you ever care to wonder why? You think you're the centre of attention and you think you are a special star.
The truth is you're nothing more than a bloody whore, a bloody whore that he used to adore!
He used to love you but you left scars on his torso and face, yet he still loved you cause he thought you couldn't be replaced.
   Loneliness you used to be his everything, now you're nowhere to be found. Your absence changed him, even though you told him you'll be forever by his side.
  He trusted you so he became a reject. And although he had a home you made him feel homeless and u unwanted.
You told him that he was worthless and that everyone hated him.
   But now he has become I, I, a guy who just doesn't care, I, a guy who does not love nor a guy who hates. He has become I, a guy who fights for the sake of becoming someone, I, a guy who wants to be remembered!

Beer

Every time I look in the mirror I notice everything's clearer Joy replaces fear After a pint of beer Fights break out from our hearts But after a while every motion stops Maybe everything isn't so clear after all that beer You really are dear Although you make me feel like a queer Yea beer you are the love of my life Thats why I don't need a wife I don't need a bed nor do I need sheets Cause when I'm with you I don't even sleep For you my love runs deep Even though you make me feel like a sheep You make me say things I don't mean And i do things I don't want Just know you're way better than a blunt.

My biggest fear

Living a life free of fear is quite boring. Nothing will be holding you back, nothing will make you understand that we are not limitless. What good is it if you cannot experience fear, after all it keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. Fear always opens our eyes. It helps us be more careful with our actions.
You've asked me many times what I fear the most, well here is my answer... I am afraid of monsters and ghosts. No, not those paranormal ghosts and scary monsters that feast on our nightmares. I am afraid of ghosts from the past, people I knew back then or at least I thought I knew.
There are many types of monsters in this world for example those that cause troubles, monsters who feast on our dreams, monsters which suck blood, and, monsters who tell lies. Those lying monsters are the scariest because they pose as humans although their hearts are long gone. They continue eating even though they are full, they make friends when they do not know how to love, in simple words they are just using everyone around them. I am afraid of them because I myself am a lying monster. I've always tried hiding the truth about me, I feel vulnerable when someone knows what's happening in my life that's why I am hiding as much as possible. Only few know what I really am thinking, what I'm living through.
It's those monsters that keep me up at night, making me plan my future, making me dislike the people around me.
I fear them the most not because of what they are able to do but because I do not want anyone to stand close to me. There are days when I cannot even trust myself so how on earth will I be able to trust someone else? There are always thoughts of betrayal in my mind. I always think that someone will backstab me that's why I am unable to communicate with people. That's why I chose to be a monster!

I thought about you

    It's been a while since the last time you ran through my mind and I have to say nothing is the same, your presence changed everything, it kept me sane. It's impossible to forget you no matter how hard I try. 
      When I think of you I have this picture of a blade of ice, lonely road, clear day, always sharp and cold, always beautiful. I am such a fool, why can't I simply give up? I know that we will never talk again but I cannot stop thinking about you. I hate you for saying that you'd always be by my side! I hate you for the kind acts you did. I hate you for helping me, for picking me up when I needed someone the most! I hate you because you cared about me... Why were you so nice? Why did you show me how it felt to be loved? You changed me completely! I hate the fact that I cannot hate you.
     No matter what you do just know that you will always have a place in my heart although I know that you wouldn't care and I do not blame you. I'm not worth of your time, and I know that we weren't so similar to begin with but I cannot stop feeling like the universe has left me without a place to go, leaving me somewhere between light and darkness, making me a spectator of your movement. I once had the power to guide you just as you guided my path, now I'm nothing more than a grain of sand. I am scared of the dark, yet I cannot step into the light because of you.
Society says that boys don't cry but I cannot prevent myself from doing so when I'm thinking about you.
 Until we meet again, slan...

Haunted by the past

I cannot take this any longer. I am slowly losing my might. I cannot keep up with the present and I cannot see my future. I'm cursed with an eye which is capable of only seeing the past, an eye that sees no light, an eye that is holding me back. Slowly but surely I am losing my mind.
I feel like this life is a movie with the worst plot. A movie about a lonely guy trying to find where he is standing at, goddamn it, he cannot even look at his self, let alone face the world. A movie where the protagonist is a loser who doesn't know when to give up or shut up.
It's sad to say that I am the protagonist of a story with no meaning. The protagonist with eyes that are only seeing the past and present. People say that I'm still young, that there is so much to be explored and experienced, but what do they know? Do they even know what my story is?
They are just a bunch of judgmental pricks, thinking that they know everything... Huh, no wonder why I'm sick of this place. I cannot stand those backstabbing friends.
That is the main reason why I do not share my private life, I do not want to ruin the future I cannot see. Although I'm not sure what good is the life where you cannot leave the past, it's like being with one foot in the grave. A grave filled with unpleasant memories and untold stories.
Yet the other foot brings hope, it is fighting the pain from the events that no longer exist. It gives me a reason to live another day, to wake up and do something. The eye that sees the present sees much clearer, but I'm afraid that it won't be enough in the near future.

Letter 3: Badb A.

    Another day has ended and I'm still lost. It's been a while since my last letter, I was too broken to function properly, too tired from the world and disappointed from those around me. To be honest I still am. I still cannot think properly but I'm trying to write this letter to you. I'm not doing this because I have to,no, I'm writing it just because I want to thank you. You've been around for a while and no matter what you were always there for me. I'm sure that if I tell you what's on my mind right now, you'd try to help me no matter what. I have no idea how to repay you because you've done so much for me. You really are the best friend I've ever had. I should quit my stalling, I want to ask you a pathetic question but I need answers... Was I ever helpful? Or was I just dead weight ? I'm afraid of the answer yet the thought of not knowing is killing me. That was the first thing I remembered and now it's the last thing left on my mind. I want to know so many things, but for now this is enough . I just want to know if I'm useless or not! Whatever your answer is just know that you will always have a place in my heart and mind!

Plastic Memories

 After the death of someone close, we are left with only bitter sweet memories, Memories with the power to make a person insane. After all that's what memories are for, reminding us of the dead. That's what I'm so afraid of, I fear the memories that leave us torn between the past and present. They are the destruction of the desire to live, they are the main cause of depression and aggression. They have the power to change a man like no other thing. No matter how many pleasant memories you have with someone, no matter what you have done for them, you'll always feel like you have done nothing in order to repay them, We take everything for granted, not knowing that we can lose everything we own in matter of seconds. What you will be left is nothing more than a broken heart and bitter nights with handful of destructive memories. I do not understand why people want to make memories, why on earth would you want to make something that will end up hurting you... Is really one nice thing worth all the trouble and pain?

What's up with you

We all have that one psycho in our life, too bad I was in love with that person for a really long time. At first you seemed normal, hell, I even thought that you are the greatest person I've ever met. It took me a while to figure you out, when I did I was surprised but that didn't prevent me from loving you. No, what killed my love were the stories you told. You became depressed so I thought that it was a good time to tell you how I feel, you took it for granted and thought that I didn't have other friends, you thought that I was you. You tried to use me, but failed miserably so you told me that I was full of myself. Soon after you met new people, you made friends, but you didn't know that they were our mutual friends so you started talking shit behind my back thinking that I will never find out.
I thought that it was time to give you a little update about my feelings towards you, and to be honest I wasn't worried about your reaction because I was fed up. I remember that you didn't like what I said because I told you that you've either changed or that I finally found out what kind of a person you are. To be honest I'm glad that we stopped talking, because you showed your true colours, you salute everyone I'm talking to and start conversations with them just to see my reactions, too bad you are only making me laugh.
Yesterday, you acknowledged my presence, you even greeted me and when I asked you if we were still talking you told me that we needed to sort things out, so today I texted you asking if there was really anything to talk about you gave me a negative answer. Such a pitty I was in the mood of telling you how much bullshit you are. Although I really shouldn't get too full of myself, because if it weren't for a friend of mine I'd never be able to realise how spineless I was. Yeah it's weird how her two-sentence statement did a lot more than you ever did.

Why are you like this?

   Why are you always like this? Don't you feel like it's unnecessary to be angry at me for such things, or did I really cross the line? 

You mean a lot to me, I know you can tell, but you always find the dumbest reasons to be mad at me.   Like, you hang out with people who aren't familiar with everyday communication skills.  You are befriending people who only know how to spend their money on alcohol and cigarettes. Worst of all you are befriending those who think that if they have money they are badass. 

  I don't understand why you are always getting mad at me, huh, you never get mad at my actions, no, you get mad at my jokes and my attempts to keep the jokes running. Shit, you never get mad at me when I have a bad view about a serious topic but you can't stand it when I try to tell your joke from my point of view, but you are totally allowed to do so. 

Is it my fault? Should I be like you or should I try to change? You know, to tell you the truth I don't care anymore. If you want to stick around I really couldn't tell you how happy it would make me be, but if you have no intentions then please don't make me like you because you will only break me down. 

Nothing is the same

I guess it's that time of the year again. I guess I will have to put up with you again, huh, good thing you cannot stand me either. I cannot wait for all those boring days where we have to sit next to each other,for the days when we will have to work together.
No wonder why I'm depressed knowing that I have to communicate with douchebags. Ahh, why do I have to coexist with such people...
I remember when I was young the world it was smaller, the cities were vast and the buildings were taller, the people were nicer and my parents seemed stronger. Back when I was just getting warned, huh, yeah they warned me about many things. Back when my generation wasn't fucked up...
I miss those days, days when I still felt alive and when I couldn't wait to get outside. All I do is now is sitting in my room being isolated from the real world, thinking about life itself, studying, while most of my generation is going out to drink until they have a blackout.
Time passed so quickly, years went by without me even noticing it. Guess we all grow old faster than we think. We change our interests as we grow, we even lose the trust of some people just by letting time pass by... Such a strange world we grew up in.

Letter 2: Aibh

We've known each other for a long time, we had our rivalry but became friends after a while. We spent so many nights talking, debating, laughing. I soon developed a crush which you noticed but you acted like you didn't know just because you liked the attention I was giving you.
I have to say, we both changed a lot since our first conversation. For the better or worse, I do not know but what I know is that we aren't those same brats talking about stupid topics. I looked up our chat history a while ago, it was an eye opening experience for me. I saw how you used me, but it helped me recognize the lies told by others.
Sometimes I wish that I've never met you, however for what it was worth it was worth all the while.
It's a good thing that not everything goes as planned. Imagine what a boring place it would be then, nothing to take you by surprise, nothing to keep your adrenaline rushing. I cannot imagine my self living in such world, but I know you'd love to because you always hated changes of a plan.
I hate how I had to tell thousands of lies just to make sure you are happy. Trust me that will never happen again, I will never again tell a lie just so you can feel better!

You aren't that innocent

You used to make me feel like I could walk on water, I write about you all the time but I bet I don't run through your mind. You're the reason why I cannot sleep at night. I thought that I saw something in you, something worth fighting for, well actually I did I saw disaster masked as headstrongness, I saw jealous disguised as kindness.
Now there is nothing to fight for since you showed your true colors, you run around gossiping about me thinking that you know me. You think that I believed your lies and that I trusted you with my secrets, huh, you couldn't be more wrong. I had to twist my words to protect my self from your failure, I guess it's just a part of my nature to hide in my shell when someone wants to do harm.
Knowing that you lied to me you still made me think about you, I usually spend the nights kicking cans and digging into my pockets, thinking about my actions over and over. Thinking about why you didn't put a stop to this earlier, after all you knew that I had a crush on you. Huh, guess you really are in love with the attention you get. You love it until someone gets a firm grip of your act, once they figure out what you are doing you try to protect yourself by blaming everything on others. You think that you will be the "innocent" girl in their eyes forever.
All I have to say is that all of a sudden I stopped feeling so insecure and it's all thanks to your little act. All thanks to you, to your little game of wanting to be a grow up when you are still your daddy's little princess.
I cannot believe that it took me so long to understand that you are not worth all the trouble. It took me a goddamn long time to lay down my arms and give up the fight. But hey better late than never.

Letter 1: Ar

I never thought that it will come to this, me writing a letter just to express how I'm feeling. I'm just wondering what went wrong since you aren't saying a word. It's been a year since we met, sicne we chose OUR favorite song, OUR favorite movie. I guess this world is cursed and plagued without a possible escape route. I'm just wondering what I did to piss you off...
Now I am so sick of those crappy love songs on the radio. I'm sick of them because we used to listen to them together, we used to sing along, we used to have fun. What did become of our friendship? We became strangers in a matter of seconds. You were not the first person to go, but you hurt the most...
I remember our long conversations, I even remember the silence and how it was broken with your cute laughter. You were everything I wished for, a friend that knows how I feel without having to explain anything, but suddenly you turned into a landslide while I was resembling the city beneath you.
Huh, all those conversations about being here for each other... Guess I should've never believed words, I should've known that talk is cheap.
Well I do not know about you but I am afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving tonight. I think I'm lost without you. I know that this is useless because I am young and stupid, remaining wide and open while my heart is wasted. I know this because every time I try to look for you the sun goes down, leaving a void in my day. Void filled with darkness, aggression and depression.
Hell, I even miss you like the summer.

Feelings shouldn't always stay hidden

She is alive
Or so I believe
She dived in
And got kicked down
Never got up
She got caught
In a battle she shouldn't have known about
She fought my battle
And now I cannot do anything to ease her pain
Everything she did was in vain
I am the one to blame
I should be ashamed
Somehow I'm not
A monster is what I've become
Damage is all I've done
But not to me
Thats the problem
Everyone around me is getting hurt
People I care about are now in the dirt
Never knew what power could bring
It corrupts the good and destroys evil
It hurts me to see her suffer
I remember sleeping on and on on the stairwell
I remember when we fell apart on the weekends
I liked the little rush she got
When she was standing close to death
Like when she was driving me crazy
You know I never told her that she meant something to me
It's all my fault

Every story is unique

It's hard to hold on to this, whatever it is. It's almost impossible to control the emotions. I have to liberate myself from all the limits I set upon me, I have to understand my true potential in order to achieve anything. Sitting in a closed room won't help me in life, yet somehow I continue to do so... I'm afraid of the real world, mostly of the feelings and emotions i will have to encounter, afraid of the people I will have to meet. I'm not afraid of them because of some mental illness, no, I'm afraid because most people are selfish, jealous, callous. I'm afraid of them because I might become one of them. I'm scared of what they can do just so they can achieve a goal.
I'm a judgmental prick I know that not everyone is like that, but let's be honest most of them are. This summer was full of experience and I'm grateful for having the chance to meet and spend time with the awesome people who stormed into my life, they are the proof of my previous statement. Still I am haunted by memories of people hurting each other, the thing I fear the most, people betraying each other.
Somehow this world has become corrupted, filled with evil, not even love can make it a better place now. Knowing that there is no cure for the world, what cure can there be for me? If we cannot save the world how are we going to save each other... How can I save myself from a broken heart? How can I save myself from losing someone? How will I be able to stop the pain?
Is it worth going through hell just to find the answers? But I guess giving up isn't quite the answer we are looking, huh such a small world with so many decisions. The story of every life feels like a plot of a video game, where every living being is the protagonist of their story, stories that never repeat. Stories with different endings, each being unique.
Although nothing is perfect, we still wish to achieve such thing in our short but beautiful lives. We wish something that doesn't exist, we wish for something so usual yet never existing. We wish for perfection just like I'm wishing for you. Huh, I guess in the end I didn't hold on, I didn't stop myself from the emotions. I guess that's how life works.

Thank you for your time

Most of the time, I do not think of you, but when I do I ask myself why do I bother to stay while you are running away. Are you feeling severing? Or is it just your need to toy with people around you? I thought that we drew closer than ever, I knew that the feeling I get when you were around wasn't just my imagination. I guess I really was a ghost hiding in your shadow.
Please I beg you to stop staring at me, do not touch me. Why won't you leave me alone? Why do you need to put me through all of this?
You are sick, yet I understand you. You were like a sister, or so you pretended to be. You acted like you were here for me, but when you had the first chance to run away without a secound thought you did it. You backstabbed me, huh, guess I kind of deserved it.
Although you caused a lot of pain, I have to thank you. You did an awesome job of showing me the right way. Guess I'm just mad at my self for letting you leave, I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I really am sorry for not helping you, I just got carried away when you said that you just need me to be me. Now I know that it was a lie. I'm younger yet I was the adult in our conversations, but the whole "be you" conversation turned me in the childish idiot I was.  I'm not blaming you, I just miss you... A lot. You were the onlyone who tried to understand me, the onlything left now is to thank you for your time. I'm greatful for your presence, I wish nothing but the best for you! Hope you are happy, wherever you are.

It's your turn to suffer

Ever since our conversation, it's like you went missing. Not a single sign from you, you do not even go out with your "friends" anymore. Looks like my prophecy was right, they were just using you. I cannot say that you've changed, because you still remain the same lying,pathetic fool. You still try tricking people into believing your innocence, while I'm getting my shovel to dig in deeper just to bury the castle. The castle of glass and lies you've created.
It's just like in my dreams where I can feel your ghost on the dancefloor, crying for more attention. I've never knew that I can do this, never knew that I would be able to cause so much pain upon someone and I cannot lie it feels amazing. Your sojourn in my heart was painful, but this, THIS makes it up for it. Now I am become "Death", destroyer of world, the destroyer of your world, of your dreams. It's like we've become each other. You've been my death for so long, now this is just a mere pay back. And trust me, this is only the beginning!

Eimear

First thing that comes on my mind is Eimear. She possess the most beautiful smile I've ever seen and her voice, well her voice is out of this world. Put in simple words she possesses the "six gifts of womanhood". I've seen her once or twice but it was enough to carve a memory that I will keep forever with hopes of talking to you once more. Not sure what I feel towards you, all I can say is lately you've crossed my mind one too many times, yet I do nothing about that. Maybe you don't remember me, in a while it will be a whole year since I met you and I remember that day just like it was yesterday.
I see how my crush and friend are getting closer and closer, yet it doesn't bother me, I do not even care because I met you Eimear. Wish I could talk with you in person, sadly I cannot... It's not that I do not want to, simply put I'm asocial. It's hard for me to start conversations or to keep one going.
My thoughts are like a carousel, going round and round and by the look of it I'm guessing my life is a broken dream going up and down spending another night alone staring at the TV wishing for your haunting presence.
Just don't forget to think about me and I won't forget you, but I haven't been this scared in a long time when I think about what could go wrong if I tell you what I feel.

Changes ruin people

Simplicity is the answer to an utterly beautiful life, but that is not in our nature. We are the perfect living beings yet we are the most disgusting, most brutal, vile among others. Doing everything that is in your power just to make someone happy, when suddenly someone walks in with what they wish for, with what you were trying to achieve just for them, huh, such a strange world. You won't even receive a thank you, but instead of staying quite you choose to speak with the thought that your words will matter. Haven't you learned anything? If you actions won't matter to them why on earth do you think that your words will make a difference? You will be empty like the day after Christmas, everyone will talk about you, little will like you.
What will happen to you, only time will tell, paranoia will never leave you. Your last hope will burn down, your emotions will be blown out by the tides, you will become what you hate the most.
But that will only happen once the person who screw you over will be asking for your help. Yes, only then you will know what a sadist feels. You will be the one in control, you will be the one hurting people. That is the only feeling worth living for once you are hurt, betrayed, destroyed. That is the only time when your dreams will come real. Only then will your insomnia end, only then you will feel happiness again. None will be able to save them. No one.

Life then and now

Being alive yet having no life left, that is what you will feel if you walk a mile in my sneakers. I meet people that are too perfect, or so I think. Little do I know I'm befriending fools, deceivers, liars, renegades. Everything I try to do ends up being pointless. Never understood what's so great about life when you cannot share it with someone. It feels like no one wants to listen to what you have to say, no matter how important it is.
Hah, here I am laughing at myself because I do not want to admit it that I'm too depressed. I remember when I was just a child, I remember the days when I still felt alive, when I couldn't wait to go outside, the world was so wide back than and now here I am I cannot wait till I get home just to pass the time in my room all alone. I was so naive back then, such an innocent child, I thought that this world was a beautiful place.
I hate how little changed in this world, but I've completely changed. Now I see this world with disgust, nothing more than a place filled with beautiful things that are waiting to be ruined by mankind. I just want to go outside and scream and swear. I hate it how everyone tells me that time will make everything better, hell, I hate it when I tell myself that time will make everything better. The only thing that can make this world a better place is a loved one.
Yeah, I know it's cheesy but I think it's true. In a time when everyone backstabs each other, I think that finding a bastard you love with all your heart will make everything more easier. Too bad I cannot experience that. All I've been doing is falling in love with the wrong people, with people who seemed so sweet at the start, but the start was all wrong. People who said that they speak from their hearts, altough their hearts' all gone. Yet out of all people you make my time stand still, you are live vilence to me, you kill me, yet you have me forever and after. I feel like a hostage with a stockholm syndrome when I'm around you. You want it to be your way, no matter what, even if it means putting my life in danger just for your own benefit and within the same moment I immediately do what you say. She is unstoppable, unpredictable, I'm so jaded,calculated and WRONG. Please take me home, it's too late now, I'm gone.
I'm lost in this world, confused, tired, destroyed. I'm a real case of walking dead. I'm lifeless even though I'm alive.

Loneliness is my only friend

Whole day spent on thinking, wondering, but mostly being frightened by the thought of being alone. Although I've always felt loneliness, today was the first time I was afraid of it. It's not the being alone thing that scares me, no that is quite normal for me, I'm afraid of being used, I'm afraid of being ignored by those who I love and care about the most. Life is too short to be alone, but sometimes that's the only way out of a crisis. Loneliness is the only friend I really have, she is always there for me. Funny how you always meet new people, ditching your old friends just to hang out with the "cool" people. Endless cycle of screwing around, acting polite just to be liked, but when that fails you are eager to get in touch with the people who gave everything for you. Guess you are nothing more than a user and an abuser. I cannot believe that I fell for your sweet talk, cannot believe that I was lied to.
The more I think about it the more angry I get... I've always tried to help you when you needed it the most, but now once you have no use of me, you just find reasons why not to be around me. I know it's not my fault, well not this time. I know you too well, you got mad because you found someone who can replace me, you found someone that is a better version of me, or at least you think that, like many times before.
In every friendship I had, I ended up being used. I just wonder if I will ever find a real friend. That's why I do not believe in friendship, the only real friends are those who you grew up with, those friends know  your pain, they know your past,present and are helping you build a better future. It's hard to find friends like those, and the people who are willing to stay, well let me put it this way, they deserve a perfect treatment.

Anarchistic mind

Living in a world where everyone is either scared to be free or doesn't want to. Living in a place where everyone is protesting but not for freedom, no they are protesting for the politicians, they are protesting so the warpigs can aqcuire power. It's sad how we wake up everyday thinking that we are free but continue doing chores that are dictated by The Man aka Government. Even that isn't the worst part, what is truly terrifying is the future that we will leave for our children. We will make them slaves, they will be nothing more than we are. They will be forced to work unwillingly in order to survive, just as we are now. They will have to spend their whole lives studying in a broken education system,working for the warpigs,  acting like they are free when in reality they will have no rights. How can a piece of paper control the world? Money is the value of life... It's sad to be part of such society. A society where those who aren't rich aren't worthy of knowing the truth.
The time has come, we must make a change to this pathetic world, we must do it for a brighter future, not for us but for those who come after us!

Let me be me

Everything seemed so close but yet so distant as I tried to bring you back from the dead. I tried to rebuild our long lost relation, the only thing I did is isolate myself. Your mind is a cold grave, to be honest your eyes are a smoking gun. You laugh as you twist a knife in my arm and take everything until it's all gone. Take all you can, I do not care as long as we still talk. Yes I am led so easily, led by your cold heart that once made me feel loved, led to oblivion and I cannot do a single thing about it.
I'm dying, I'm trying to leave as I found my worst regret. Please let me slip away, I'm barely holding on, let me fade away as the memories once did. Let me be me, I hate the person you molded me into. I beg you to let me drift away from all of this, whatever it is! Allow me to forget you, it will be the best for everyone.

Life is about decisions

Life is based on the daily decisions we make. We always have more than one option, we just need to open our eyes in order to see all of the opportunities we have. I remember when we started talking for the first time, we couldn't stand each other but as time passed we became close friends, or so I believed.
I remember when you said that you easily get bored of your friends and I remember how you promised that we will always be friends, I guess I've been lied to again. Quickly after you started socializing you forgot me, I remember when you said that you would never trade me for anything, well now you did. You exchanged me for couple of new friends, I guess I became boring. I one of those "friends" which will always be here for you, but you will only talk to me when you will feel alone because your so called new friends cannot understand you the way I can. You said that it's not your fault, when actually it is. You chose to forget your "old" and "not so cool" friends, but I kind of understand why you continue to do so.
I remember spending nights chatting with you, listening to music together and watching movies. I miss those days, and I miss you even more. I know that I wasn't the best type of a friend but I was me, you lied that you liked me for what I am, you even made me promise that I will never change.
Although whatever you do, I will always support you owing to the fact that you have picked me up so many times. But I think this friendship was not meant to last, I guess we just go our separate ways and try to move on.

Love destroys everything

Everything happens for a reason
Everything happens within a season
I think about you everyday
But I'm not worthy to play
I was set up on dead bet
Putting all hopes to bed
I enjoyed the little rushed you had
Standing close to death
But I cannot lie it was driving me crazy

And now when you are physically so close to me
I cannot talk to you
I cannot even hug you
What happened?
What did I do wrong?
Was all of this my doing?
Or do you simply dislike me 'cause I'm different
You told me to never change
Yet you were the one who changed me
You told me that you enjoyed spending time together
Yet you ran away from me

I have an urge to scream and cry
But grown ups shouldn't whine
I've never been this much in love
To tell you the truth I don't know if I've been in love before
You were a great example of what I should avoid
Because girls like you make me annoyed and destroyed
Now I'm left paranoid

In love with a psycho

How can I make this stop? I cannot do anything correctly, even failed to give up. You drugged my mind. I have no idea why I love you. Sometimes. You never thought I get to see today, the day when you were still on my mind but not on my chest. What I feel for you is totally different from what I have felt, you were the girl who made me able to walk on water. Lately my dog is the only one around who listens to my problems.
I saw you again and I know you used me again, but you always pretended that the truth isn't there trying to move on. I thought you were smart,headstrong and independent, guess I was blinded by your beauty. You gave me this false image of me finding my place even though I didn't know where I stood, never thought that I would find my place only if I stopped running around after you. We still talk everyday, but not in the same way that we used to, well I don't, but you still are telling me those boring stories that I've heard thousand times before, yet I still act enthused... You are a psycho... Psycho that I loved.
This world is strange and fucked up, sometimes I wish for a way out. I dream of moving away from this goddamn place, I dream of being far away from you but I'm sure that you will find a way to use me, you always do. I find myself spending the nights thinking about you, thinking about all the opportunities I missed because of you and of those that I will miss because of you. You brought me down, made me touch the bottom. I beg you not to remind me and put your past behind me, please make this end. I went through shit for you, cannot wait for the day when I'm going to tell you goodbye and so long.

Love in vain

Falling in love with someone who you should not even like, let alone love. You are what everyone said that you will be, beautiful, shy, with an amazing voice, you are what everyone likes. You were there, you could feel my pain we both know that, but I noticed something that no one else couldn't. You knew how I felt because you were there too, but you hide it with a smile that is truly mesmerizing. I know you had no interest in me, I wonder why I'm always hypnotized by those who don't even want to speak to me. I'm broken and I see myself as a living dead because of people like YOU, I'm nothing more than a shadow of what I once was-I reckon. I see myself in the mirror everyday with disgrace, and as time goes by I'm more and more ashamed of what I've become.
I'm haunted by memories of people I loved and trusted, afraid of their return, afraid of trusting them again, afraid of getting hurt again.
Please forgive me for ignoring you, it's just I don't want to play another game of "tag" where just like before I'll be the loser. People say that I'm asocial, that I'm weird and different even she has told me that but I know you aren't like them, you would never say that to anyone. Although there is one thing I want you to know, She is something special, She is like a drug to me, we can't stand each other yet we can't live without one another, however I don't love her anymore and I hope she is happy 'cause I know I am when I'm around you. I'm saying this just to tell YOU that those lies they are going to tell you shouldn't be believed, She is just a friend, or less. I love no one that's for sure, I'm not capable to love nor I know how to do so, that is the reason why I'm trying to avoid you. I do not want to love anyone because I know that it will be in vain.

Same routine

Not doing anything in your life is called being dead. Always finding an excuse just to be alone, saying no to friends who care about you and refusing to communicate is making you nothing more than a useless person who does nothing. But every day is the same and every day's a sin for you, following the same routine claiming to be asocial when you really are just afraid to admit that YOU decide to be alone. I found out that I am one of those who blame their so call "asociality" for their failures, for their loneliness saying they are not at fault, saying they can't do anything about it!
Saying no to everything will never change a thing, I know this because if I didn't say "yes" that day I would've never met you. I remember how I embarrassed myself in front of you, no wonder why you still remember who I am, although a full year passed. Meeting you in the park was the main reason why I spent my  whole summer there with hopes of seeing you again. Don't make fun of me but I knew that the park was not your first go-to place but it was my best choice, had the biggest chance of seeing you there.
After meeting you I'm slowly fighting my urge to be alone, knowing that it's not the right way to be in a mind set where all I want to do is sit in my room, do nothing, speak nothing or hear nothing. I cannot lie I love being isolated from the world but I know that it's not the right way, I understood that when I met you. Besides you showed me that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and what I do or what I think and what I say, you showed me that if I have confidence in myself I can accomplish anything. It's funny how you showed me all of this with only one simple "hello". I promise not to you but to myself, next time I'll see you I will thank you for that. For an Anarchist-atheist like me, who spent most of his days GAMING, finding confidence to accomplish anything is like bypassing through out the nine circles of hell, yet with your help it was no more than a walk in the park - literally. All I want to say, no matter who you are know that someone is grateful for your greetings and hugs. Sometimes that's all what we need to make us feel better, to help us, to change us or save us.

Society moulds personalities

I'm feeling down yet I do not know what for. I feel pain but I didn't get hurt. Nights go by still I cannot get any rest. Nothing I hear is true, lies are being told on a daily basis with hopes of destroying a sane man who has been "raped" by the society just because of his different point of view.
It makes me sick when I see jealousy and hatred, maybe that's what keeps me up at night, I'm sure of it they kill my sleep. I feel sorry for myself, having to live in a society where we cannot stand each other, where everyone wants power and no one wants to help a stranger. It makes me sick seeing someone looking down of those who are in need. Bloody bastards think they are "good" people by attending church while they are sinning on thousand other front. I hate when someone says that THEY are better, yes they might be but that's not the point in life. One bullet can take away everything you have, then what will you have? Nothing, absolutely nothing you will just be remembered as a scum, no one will say anything good about you, and we both know that the key to immortality are good memories for we cannot live forever but our deeds will. If you are not able to do anything good than don't ruin the chance for others. In the end we are here just to leave a better place for our children, think of them next time you do something, think about how it will benefit them.
This might be the reason why I am so mad at the world and cannot sleep!

Beautiful little land

Here I am home alone
Resting in my throne
Closing my eyes
Escaping all the lies
Even though I'm not that wise
I can see the disguise of those guys
Their masks fall down,
Safe to say,they are non existent in the beautiful little land
A place where my fear is hidden
Lies are strongly forbidden
And every word is written down
Oh my beautiful little land
A place where I meet both a friend and a foe
Loneliness I was told it's her name
Never got to greet her, such a shame
Never got to see her, but she always takes the blame
Never got to feel her, but she holds me tight
Depression on the other hand is just in my sight
It takes me out, bite by bite
No wonder I'm losing my might
Once a beautiful land
Now a place filled with living sand
The more time I spend
The worse it gets
Everything fades to black
And it never goes back
The only thing I regret is not expressing what I feel
That brought me here
Now it's clear
I just need to tell her what's on my mind
That's the only way of restoring peace to a place once filled with joy

You and your plastic personality

You always get under my skin, but I don't find it irritating. To be honest you are like my get away drug that makes me forget all my problems.
I loved being around you,yet I couldn't stand you and your selfish actions. You cannot stop using people, you are everything I hate. You're nothing more than a problem in my life, yet couldn't stand the days that passed when I was without you.
I liked you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I've never seen such beauty and booksmarts! But that's about it, you are a selfish looser and an abuser. You keep on bragging and when you have nothing to say, well then you simply repeat yourself over and over again.
Deep inside you are lost, I can see it in you eyes. And those lies you've told me over the past couple of years... I never payed attention to them. Don't know why you told them... Did you simply wanted to make me jealous? Wanted to see how I'd behave once I lost you? Hope you got the answers you were looking for, 'cause trust me I got what I was searching for. Never understood how I allowed my heart to overthrow my brain.
 I don't blame you, that's the way you are, I know you hate something about me too but hey that's part of our human nature.
You think you know my plans,you think you understand me, but every word you said about me was wrong. Everything you thought I am ended up being wrong. You simple never gave a damn about understanding me, never gave a damn about wanting to meet the real me...

Badb

Badb is a friend of mine, well I love her like a sister,love her to death. She is always here for me, she always understands me and helps me throughout hard time. Badb is a sweet girl, she has a really cute smile, she is smart and just like her name wise and always fighting for what's right! We both make fun of each other but I know that we respect each other. She often gets mad at me and my dumb jokes, just that makes me quite mad, although she always finds a way to crack me up. Such a sweet heart! I hate seeing her hurt, she deserves no pain for she is as pure as a tear.
  I know that lately Badb hasn't been herself, she tries to hide the pain by lying to herself and everyone around her! She says that she is OK yet she's hurt. No pain shall be hidden for it will become much more than temporary damage. What ever is going through her head I cannot know, all I can say I want nothing but the best for Badb, because a friend like her is hard to find nowadays and I would do anything to keep her. I hope I'm over exaggerating for you should always be happy and trust me Badb I will do anything in my power to repay you because you helped me get trough a lot!

Past,Future but not the Present

   If you'd be able to pick only one moment that passed just to relive it again,which one would it be? Would you choose to be with somebody you adore, a milestone you achieved or a last farewell with a special someone?
 You know how as time passes people go and change well, feelings do the same too, but the moments spent with the one you love will remain in the loop, and just to be loved and adored is all that I want to feel, I want to be appreciated and accepted for who I am. Is it wrong if I'm wanting to feel the love that wasn't supposed to be?

My story of a lonely guy

Every night you are out partying, while I'm locked in my room free willingly parting myself until I escape this oblivion yet you are the one changing and I'm the one who is destroyed.You are a strange inspiration, having a crush on you was no good but I cannot lie it helped me a lot,although it made me wonder about life, about how I should live it, how I should value it...Not sure if its worth explaining but you brought sunshine on this spotless mind, I was crazy about you, I was as happy as a child who just got a candy bar from the candy shop every time you were around me.
Years went by you know how time flies I began to despise your narcissism,selfishness and greed that only left lies in my memories, a broken heart hurts more than a broken spirit but somehow you managed to break them both.
From time to time I wonder what's so special about you? I thought I loved you for your personality but now I realised it was beauty that got to me... I failed myself, how on earth did you do this to me? It took me so long to realise something so simple yet devastating, I was even ready to give up sleep just to spend time with you.
Never knew how easy it was to fail oneself especially when you try so hard not to. Why is love like this? Now all I do is listening to saggy indie/pop punk love songs sent by a friend who shall not be named for she is my true saviour. I find it funny how someone who never saw me physically knows me better than someone who I try to tell everything.
There are even days when I think to myself if I'm mad or just overjoyed not knowing that I was just a toy in a world where people like me have little to no chance of being loved just because we are different, just because we are not ashamed to tell what we feel should be changed or just because our openness towards subjects that most people gain power from. Everyone looks at me differently, they pity me I can feel it, most people talk to me because they are sorry for me because I never learned how to fall in line or how to become another casualty of society not knowing that I'm willingy doing that. They laugh at my way of life, I laugh at their fear of death, they make fun of my dumb actions but once those dumb actions succeed, everyone even your beloved ones try to stop you.
I do not know how they can find justice in love, but I know one thing's for sure. Love isn't my thing I will never be loved nor will I love that's not a promise it's my future.
But in this short and haunting life I've came to a conclusion, nothing is pointless not even a crush that lasted for four years straight. I've learned a lot because of it. You made me the bastard I am today and I would like to remain like this. You've opened my eyes in a weird way, you made me dislike you and your points of view.We knew each other so well yet I hardly knew you. You consciously stabbed knives thinking that I did not see it coming, but I am just a patient man and you know what they say "Patience will be their undoing", trust me they were right.
You called me a betrayer, in truth it was I who was betrayed. Still, I'm hunted. Still, I'm hated. Now my blind eyes see what others cannot, that the hand of fate sometimes must be forced. It was my mistake for never doing so, I gave up without a try, without having a swing. I lost my chance just to be changed. I lost love just to be stronger. Now the only thing that's left for me is to march forward and tell the story of a lonely guy who never found love but found himself. The story of a lonely guy who in the end was not so lonely because of his few but amazing friends who helped him see the world which is not so pink. Friends who warned him about love and The Girl he loved. And even being alone he is never lonely, he has himself. Such a rebel he is, never giving up his hopes and dreams, going against the world just to fulfill his destiny. A guy who cares not if everyone is against him as long as he has someone he can rely on...
Now imagine that guy alone, he would be like a wounded bear, he'd be driven insane not that he isn't right now.
And now there is but one question I want to be answered. Is it all his fault?

Girl named Aibhlinn

I've drowned in my own fears and remorse and if I could change something now it would be so much easier let down. Don't stop now because we have something clearer than the day I found you. Aibhlinn just says she loves the train tracks but am I tying myself down to them for loving that, and Aibhlinn says hold back the feelings just enough but it's so hard to staying idle I just want to know what are we doing... What are we doing? Are we just playing a game of hide'n'seek where you and I are both hiding and there is no seeker? We are playing a game which will never end, we are hiding just to never be found.
Aibhlinn your name speaks for itself, I simply cannot get you out of my head and heart. You are poisoning my brain Aibhly, I hate you yet I cannot stop loving you. The despite done by you to me is beyond forgiveness yet I find a way to do so. I would give my eye to know what's going through your head, just like Odin gave his for wisdom. I know my reason isn't as wise as his but that's why he is a god and I'm just a stupid worthless boy who is seeking something that isn't his. Greed is what I hate yet it flows through me! Lies are what I cannot stand yet I tell them, I tell myself that I'm OK without you. Aibhly, you are nothing more than a memory now filled with full of sh*t head lies! You are always talking about others but I swear the next time you'll point the finger I'll bend it back and break it off.
You are always playing god but the truth is you are only a poseur! You are a wanna be rockstar, ohh Aibhly I remember the day I met you, I can only say that it was the worst day ever! I wish the train tracks weren't there, I wished that I was never on that train! Now, all I can do is wait to be used... Use me Holly, come on use me"