Truly alone

With a wish to feel happiness,
with a wish to see your face once again,
I feel as if I'm alone, put up against the world.

With memories of those high school days,
with memories of the sickening feeling called love,
I long for the day of the end.

Nothing I do or say,
nothing will stop this pain,
such a long and lonely road through the night.

Wasting everything I have,
wasting the time I once longed for,
now I know what it means to be truly alone.

The sadness behind the sweet melody

The way you express yourself,
through suicidal songs,
brings a tear to my eye,
and tores out my heart.
You speak as you are ready to go,
wanting to leave us behind,
with our memories of your sadness and fake smiles.
The pain you've experienced,
it is like no other,
and you should know that you'll never be a bother.
Every time I try to help,
every time I try to be there,
I end up hurting you.
Can't even take your mind off of your troubles,
somehow I always manage to pop your safe bubble.
Instead of helping I ask you questions,
making you think of life and it's darkness,
I ask questions I should have never mentioned.
No help ever came from me,
slowly I caused more pain and harm than I ever prevented.

  Unaware I push you to your limits, not knowing that you are near the end. As I continue doing so you pretend as if everything is fine, trying to prove me wrong hoping I won't see through your white lies, but I suffer as much as you do therefore I know what you are going through, or at least I think I do. My selfishness doesn't let me help you, nor will I ever be able to. I always apologize but then I go back doing what I already did, harming you over and over.

Time after time your songs send a chill down my bones,
once again you're hurt,
once more I caused it.
The suicidal thoughts never leave your head,
leaving you wondering about your deathbed,
wanting all of this to end.
You've never killed anyone, that's what you said,
but you are slowly taking your life away,
turning yourself into clay,
slowly breaking.
What beauty, you are breathtaking.

My biggest fear

Living a life free of fear is quite boring. Nothing will be holding you back, nothing will make you understand that we are not limitless. What good is it if you cannot experience fear, after all it keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. Fear always opens our eyes. It helps us be more careful with our actions.
You've asked me many times what I fear the most, well here is my answer... I am afraid of monsters and ghosts. No, not those paranormal ghosts and scary monsters that feast on our nightmares. I am afraid of ghosts from the past, people I knew back then or at least I thought I knew.
There are many types of monsters in this world for example those that cause troubles, monsters who feast on our dreams, monsters which suck blood, and, monsters who tell lies. Those lying monsters are the scariest because they pose as humans although their hearts are long gone. They continue eating even though they are full, they make friends when they do not know how to love, in simple words they are just using everyone around them. I am afraid of them because I myself am a lying monster. I've always tried hiding the truth about me, I feel vulnerable when someone knows what's happening in my life that's why I am hiding as much as possible. Only few know what I really am thinking, what I'm living through.
It's those monsters that keep me up at night, making me plan my future, making me dislike the people around me.
I fear them the most not because of what they are able to do but because I do not want anyone to stand close to me. There are days when I cannot even trust myself so how on earth will I be able to trust someone else? There are always thoughts of betrayal in my mind. I always think that someone will backstab me that's why I am unable to communicate with people. That's why I chose to be a monster!

Letter 1: Ar

I never thought that it will come to this, me writing a letter just to express how I'm feeling. I'm just wondering what went wrong since you aren't saying a word. It's been a year since we met, sicne we chose OUR favorite song, OUR favorite movie. I guess this world is cursed and plagued without a possible escape route. I'm just wondering what I did to piss you off...
Now I am so sick of those crappy love songs on the radio. I'm sick of them because we used to listen to them together, we used to sing along, we used to have fun. What did become of our friendship? We became strangers in a matter of seconds. You were not the first person to go, but you hurt the most...
I remember our long conversations, I even remember the silence and how it was broken with your cute laughter. You were everything I wished for, a friend that knows how I feel without having to explain anything, but suddenly you turned into a landslide while I was resembling the city beneath you.
Huh, all those conversations about being here for each other... Guess I should've never believed words, I should've known that talk is cheap.
Well I do not know about you but I am afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving tonight. I think I'm lost without you. I know that this is useless because I am young and stupid, remaining wide and open while my heart is wasted. I know this because every time I try to look for you the sun goes down, leaving a void in my day. Void filled with darkness, aggression and depression.
Hell, I even miss you like the summer.