A not so titanic move from someone who wants to be called a man

So now the girl I want you to be is just a memory.
And you may not be a hero, maybe that is not you.
You may not be out to save the world, but you saved mine.

And that geometry test, 
the one I know you haven’t studied for it,
even though it’s next period, 
I know you’ll ace it.
Like you always do.

I’m sorry for telling myself you’re what I want you to be,
and I’m sorry for ordering the pizza you’re allergic to, 
I thought you still enjoyed it.
Things change,
as they should. 

But it doesn’t mean that my memory of you will,
you’ll forever be my friend,
you’ll forever have a home, 
and most importantly you’ll forever be in my memories.

It took me years to figure out that you aren't supposed to open up "spam" messages on your email, I honestly thought I was talking to a prince from Africa (Maybe that's why you don't reply to my messages)

Northern style of an Eastern smile,
a five foot neat pile with an artistic style,
gorgeous human,
friendship trial,
twice it expired,
but my love was hard-wired.

Four years prior,
thoughts in denial,
you changed my music style,
it used to be vile.

Now that you're gone,
moved to Japan,
I realized what you meant,
I realized what you meant.

For you I will do my best

Slowly you disappear into the past,
yet you are buried in my thoughts which I'm forcing to last.
Everything that you do,
finds a way to touch my heart,
and every word you say,
shows the beauty of your art.
Your bleached white hair,
perfect smile,
cute little nose,
an honest representation of your soul.
You say you want to give up,
but you don't have to go.
You're not alone, nor will you ever be,
you fought hard, now you got me.
Your bleached white hair,
perfect smile,
cute little nose,
please stay for a while.
You fought hard, now you got me,
you're not alone, nor will you ever be.

The last farewell this winter brought

And just like that, you're gone,
The memories fade away, you're lost,
No matter the action , the consequences are the same.
The thought of you not being here,
The thought of missing you,
Those are concepts I can't wrap around my head.
With fear I live the upcoming days,
Questioning my own existence,
Questioning my own rebellion, I slowly understand what you meant.
Honestly I miss you,
Nothing I do can bring you back,
But I'm thankful for giving me the chances I once had.

Light that brings me home

With a warmth inside I'm heading home.
Shadows fall as I walk into the dark,
slowly losing the sight of my goals.
Alone, I have killed the sun,
now even the moon fears me.
No one by my side,
getting ready to give up,
I stopped,
opened my eyes,
I saw a light that was running towards me.
Soon a relaxing laugh followed,
in my mind it was hallowed.
The light shone brighter and brighter,
leading me to my personal heaven.
I couldn't believe my eyes,
who on earth would be so twisted,
who'd play such a cruel joke.
I rub my eyes in disbelief,
it was no joke,
the light was real.
With the first touch I realized,
you were the spark,
you were the light.

This month brings old pain

I need something to keep me warm through this winter,
your words froze making me feel like a goner.
This weather is the enemy,
slow and deadly in my fantasy,
your movement on the ice that cracks,
makes me wonder, about the chaos, that follows.
All these days do not pass,
my heart turned black, twas killed by your hand.
I need someone, someone that's not you.
I want to be loved again,
just not in the way you did,
not the love that you gave.
That was a curse and a mistake.
Your smile once had warmth,
now it's the reason for the darkness in this cold December.
Your laugh used to be your charm,
now its a source of harm.
Your beauty was a blessing,
now it's a woken nightmare.
You are the reason why this long cold winter hurts.

Staying warm during the cold season

  The fall is slowly coming to an end, although these feelings did not fade. Every year is like the one before, I jealously observe the actions of those that are around you. The weather makes me feel unpleasant, the smell of winter makes me worried, making me fear the season I love the most.
  As snow falls the feelings start to burn, keeping me warm and safe, making me push away the things I love. Pushing you away..
  How can one guy stop this fading, is it not possible to find the cure for all of this...
I'm tired of the same story every year, the same problems that I can't overcome. For once I want to feel something new, I want to see something that has not been seen, I want to be something I'm not.
  I want to be with you!

My wish

Made a wish, but it didn't come true,
I wanted to be only with you.
Instead I got the thing I hate the most,
a hand full of people that I don't even know.
I got the life I never wanted
Always ending back where I started.
The path we walk is more than just the present,
we are building our future, together,
and somehow we are always alone.
We are together spending time with the people we can't stand,
spending our days knowing that we all just pretend.
I'm tired of being spineless,
lost and as hopeless as much I am lifeless.
Spending my days the way you want me to,
althought I know I leave it as it is,
and it is all because of your tease.
Can all of this be changed,
can my wish finally be embraced,
I can never love what I got,
as long as it's not what I want.

World based on lies is not what we enjoy

Why are we such cowards,
afraid to admit our feelings,
or just to say what's on our minds.

Why do we keep hiding behind masks
thinking that we are protecting the future,
always ending up as our dream's butcher.

How are we not tired of telling lies,
running off in secret playing spies,
to end up finding that love is what everyone wants before they die.

Mutual feelings are real,
we shouldn't be afraid to admit our love,
it's better to be rejected than to run away,
after all life is in our sway.

I can't believe how frequently we ruin something beautiful,
just because of our fears,
just because of our selves,
only to end up blaming others.

Save me

Come and save me now,
I need you here,
I must have you somehow.
Come and save me now,
show me your blue eyes
win me over with your lies.
Come and save me now,
come and warm my heart,
just come and do your part.
I do not ask much,
just please show me love,
Take my spirit and lift it above.
come and save me now,
heal my wounds,
and keep making me laugh.
Show me how to love once more,
show me how to make the hatred go,
show me how to stand strong,
Just please help me not to feel so alone.
Come and save me now,
for you are my only hope.

Letter 4: Badb M.

The last person I trust, somehow I knew tat disaster would struck. You gained my respect now you are slowly killing me.
Badb, I was always there for you, yet you never bothered to ask me if I needed help. You used me just like those that were here before you. I thought I was strong but my heart cannot take this any longer.
But whatever, it's my fault. I don't blame you. I allowed this to happen.
I guess I never learn, but that is something I love about myself!
I don't care anymore, cause when I did it only pulled me down! And enough is enough. I was the one saying that we are responsible for the course our lives take, I said that nothing is predetermined yet I gave up.
I failed more than I succeeded so I gave up. And then what did I do? Nothing! I sat down in a dark room blaming you because you never wondered how I was doing. I blamed you for not being me.
Now I figured that  I was the one who allowed you to do so. I shouldn't be angry at you and I'm not! I'm angry at myself for being a weak and scared bastard, a bastard who was too afraid to take control and hurt your feelings from time to time.
If there is someone who fucked everything up, it's me so I don't know why I was expecting someone to listen to my problems. Why did I thought that you of all people would help me... What was I thinking.... Was it because you told me that you'd always be by my side?
Why did I believe the words of a liar? I remember when you talked crap about people that you disliked back then, should I say that they are your new found friends? You were calling them fat,stupid and ugly, but unlike me you didn't believe that or so it seemed. You were either lying back then because the friends you had were still around or you really meant those things but you befriended them because you lost your old friends.
You disgust me now. I cannot stand you but for whatever reason I cannot ditch you. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't do what you do. I don't want to do what you do. I don't want to become you!

Can't stop thinking about you

A year has gone by,
yet I still try,
I try to reach you,
I try to touch you,
still every attempt is a fail.

Your eyes used to be the light,
your smile used to be the way
your laughter used to be inspiring.
Now your absence is my suffering.

I endure only pain,
happiness I no longer gain,
beauty I no longer see,
I'm drowning in misery.

As days go by,
we grow apart more and more,
all I'm left with-a heart that feels sore.
What hurts more is that you've written my lore!
   
You've foreseen my future,
and you knew about my past.
I guess you didn't want it to last!

Why are you like this?

   Why are you always like this? Don't you feel like it's unnecessary to be angry at me for such things, or did I really cross the line? 

You mean a lot to me, I know you can tell, but you always find the dumbest reasons to be mad at me.   Like, you hang out with people who aren't familiar with everyday communication skills.  You are befriending people who only know how to spend their money on alcohol and cigarettes. Worst of all you are befriending those who think that if they have money they are badass. 

  I don't understand why you are always getting mad at me, huh, you never get mad at my actions, no, you get mad at my jokes and my attempts to keep the jokes running. Shit, you never get mad at me when I have a bad view about a serious topic but you can't stand it when I try to tell your joke from my point of view, but you are totally allowed to do so. 

Is it my fault? Should I be like you or should I try to change? You know, to tell you the truth I don't care anymore. If you want to stick around I really couldn't tell you how happy it would make me be, but if you have no intentions then please don't make me like you because you will only break me down. 

Letter 2: Aibh

We've known each other for a long time, we had our rivalry but became friends after a while. We spent so many nights talking, debating, laughing. I soon developed a crush which you noticed but you acted like you didn't know just because you liked the attention I was giving you.
I have to say, we both changed a lot since our first conversation. For the better or worse, I do not know but what I know is that we aren't those same brats talking about stupid topics. I looked up our chat history a while ago, it was an eye opening experience for me. I saw how you used me, but it helped me recognize the lies told by others.
Sometimes I wish that I've never met you, however for what it was worth it was worth all the while.
It's a good thing that not everything goes as planned. Imagine what a boring place it would be then, nothing to take you by surprise, nothing to keep your adrenaline rushing. I cannot imagine my self living in such world, but I know you'd love to because you always hated changes of a plan.
I hate how I had to tell thousands of lies just to make sure you are happy. Trust me that will never happen again, I will never again tell a lie just so you can feel better!

Letter 1: Ar

I never thought that it will come to this, me writing a letter just to express how I'm feeling. I'm just wondering what went wrong since you aren't saying a word. It's been a year since we met, sicne we chose OUR favorite song, OUR favorite movie. I guess this world is cursed and plagued without a possible escape route. I'm just wondering what I did to piss you off...
Now I am so sick of those crappy love songs on the radio. I'm sick of them because we used to listen to them together, we used to sing along, we used to have fun. What did become of our friendship? We became strangers in a matter of seconds. You were not the first person to go, but you hurt the most...
I remember our long conversations, I even remember the silence and how it was broken with your cute laughter. You were everything I wished for, a friend that knows how I feel without having to explain anything, but suddenly you turned into a landslide while I was resembling the city beneath you.
Huh, all those conversations about being here for each other... Guess I should've never believed words, I should've known that talk is cheap.
Well I do not know about you but I am afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving tonight. I think I'm lost without you. I know that this is useless because I am young and stupid, remaining wide and open while my heart is wasted. I know this because every time I try to look for you the sun goes down, leaving a void in my day. Void filled with darkness, aggression and depression.
Hell, I even miss you like the summer.

Feelings shouldn't always stay hidden

She is alive
Or so I believe
She dived in
And got kicked down
Never got up
She got caught
In a battle she shouldn't have known about
She fought my battle
And now I cannot do anything to ease her pain
Everything she did was in vain
I am the one to blame
I should be ashamed
Somehow I'm not
A monster is what I've become
Damage is all I've done
But not to me
Thats the problem
Everyone around me is getting hurt
People I care about are now in the dirt
Never knew what power could bring
It corrupts the good and destroys evil
It hurts me to see her suffer
I remember sleeping on and on on the stairwell
I remember when we fell apart on the weekends
I liked the little rush she got
When she was standing close to death
Like when she was driving me crazy
You know I never told her that she meant something to me
It's all my fault

Thank you for your time

Most of the time, I do not think of you, but when I do I ask myself why do I bother to stay while you are running away. Are you feeling severing? Or is it just your need to toy with people around you? I thought that we drew closer than ever, I knew that the feeling I get when you were around wasn't just my imagination. I guess I really was a ghost hiding in your shadow.
Please I beg you to stop staring at me, do not touch me. Why won't you leave me alone? Why do you need to put me through all of this?
You are sick, yet I understand you. You were like a sister, or so you pretended to be. You acted like you were here for me, but when you had the first chance to run away without a secound thought you did it. You backstabbed me, huh, guess I kind of deserved it.
Although you caused a lot of pain, I have to thank you. You did an awesome job of showing me the right way. Guess I'm just mad at my self for letting you leave, I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I really am sorry for not helping you, I just got carried away when you said that you just need me to be me. Now I know that it was a lie. I'm younger yet I was the adult in our conversations, but the whole "be you" conversation turned me in the childish idiot I was.  I'm not blaming you, I just miss you... A lot. You were the onlyone who tried to understand me, the onlything left now is to thank you for your time. I'm greatful for your presence, I wish nothing but the best for you! Hope you are happy, wherever you are.

Changes ruin people

Simplicity is the answer to an utterly beautiful life, but that is not in our nature. We are the perfect living beings yet we are the most disgusting, most brutal, vile among others. Doing everything that is in your power just to make someone happy, when suddenly someone walks in with what they wish for, with what you were trying to achieve just for them, huh, such a strange world. You won't even receive a thank you, but instead of staying quite you choose to speak with the thought that your words will matter. Haven't you learned anything? If you actions won't matter to them why on earth do you think that your words will make a difference? You will be empty like the day after Christmas, everyone will talk about you, little will like you.
What will happen to you, only time will tell, paranoia will never leave you. Your last hope will burn down, your emotions will be blown out by the tides, you will become what you hate the most.
But that will only happen once the person who screw you over will be asking for your help. Yes, only then you will know what a sadist feels. You will be the one in control, you will be the one hurting people. That is the only feeling worth living for once you are hurt, betrayed, destroyed. That is the only time when your dreams will come real. Only then will your insomnia end, only then you will feel happiness again. None will be able to save them. No one.

Life then and now

Being alive yet having no life left, that is what you will feel if you walk a mile in my sneakers. I meet people that are too perfect, or so I think. Little do I know I'm befriending fools, deceivers, liars, renegades. Everything I try to do ends up being pointless. Never understood what's so great about life when you cannot share it with someone. It feels like no one wants to listen to what you have to say, no matter how important it is.
Hah, here I am laughing at myself because I do not want to admit it that I'm too depressed. I remember when I was just a child, I remember the days when I still felt alive, when I couldn't wait to go outside, the world was so wide back than and now here I am I cannot wait till I get home just to pass the time in my room all alone. I was so naive back then, such an innocent child, I thought that this world was a beautiful place.
I hate how little changed in this world, but I've completely changed. Now I see this world with disgust, nothing more than a place filled with beautiful things that are waiting to be ruined by mankind. I just want to go outside and scream and swear. I hate it how everyone tells me that time will make everything better, hell, I hate it when I tell myself that time will make everything better. The only thing that can make this world a better place is a loved one.
Yeah, I know it's cheesy but I think it's true. In a time when everyone backstabs each other, I think that finding a bastard you love with all your heart will make everything more easier. Too bad I cannot experience that. All I've been doing is falling in love with the wrong people, with people who seemed so sweet at the start, but the start was all wrong. People who said that they speak from their hearts, altough their hearts' all gone. Yet out of all people you make my time stand still, you are live vilence to me, you kill me, yet you have me forever and after. I feel like a hostage with a stockholm syndrome when I'm around you. You want it to be your way, no matter what, even if it means putting my life in danger just for your own benefit and within the same moment I immediately do what you say. She is unstoppable, unpredictable, I'm so jaded,calculated and WRONG. Please take me home, it's too late now, I'm gone.
I'm lost in this world, confused, tired, destroyed. I'm a real case of walking dead. I'm lifeless even though I'm alive.

Loneliness is my only friend

Whole day spent on thinking, wondering, but mostly being frightened by the thought of being alone. Although I've always felt loneliness, today was the first time I was afraid of it. It's not the being alone thing that scares me, no that is quite normal for me, I'm afraid of being used, I'm afraid of being ignored by those who I love and care about the most. Life is too short to be alone, but sometimes that's the only way out of a crisis. Loneliness is the only friend I really have, she is always there for me. Funny how you always meet new people, ditching your old friends just to hang out with the "cool" people. Endless cycle of screwing around, acting polite just to be liked, but when that fails you are eager to get in touch with the people who gave everything for you. Guess you are nothing more than a user and an abuser. I cannot believe that I fell for your sweet talk, cannot believe that I was lied to.
The more I think about it the more angry I get... I've always tried to help you when you needed it the most, but now once you have no use of me, you just find reasons why not to be around me. I know it's not my fault, well not this time. I know you too well, you got mad because you found someone who can replace me, you found someone that is a better version of me, or at least you think that, like many times before.
In every friendship I had, I ended up being used. I just wonder if I will ever find a real friend. That's why I do not believe in friendship, the only real friends are those who you grew up with, those friends know  your pain, they know your past,present and are helping you build a better future. It's hard to find friends like those, and the people who are willing to stay, well let me put it this way, they deserve a perfect treatment.