Haunted by the past

I cannot take this any longer. I am slowly losing my might. I cannot keep up with the present and I cannot see my future. I'm cursed with an eye which is capable of only seeing the past, an eye that sees no light, an eye that is holding me back. Slowly but surely I am losing my mind.
I feel like this life is a movie with the worst plot. A movie about a lonely guy trying to find where he is standing at, goddamn it, he cannot even look at his self, let alone face the world. A movie where the protagonist is a loser who doesn't know when to give up or shut up.
It's sad to say that I am the protagonist of a story with no meaning. The protagonist with eyes that are only seeing the past and present. People say that I'm still young, that there is so much to be explored and experienced, but what do they know? Do they even know what my story is?
They are just a bunch of judgmental pricks, thinking that they know everything... Huh, no wonder why I'm sick of this place. I cannot stand those backstabbing friends.
That is the main reason why I do not share my private life, I do not want to ruin the future I cannot see. Although I'm not sure what good is the life where you cannot leave the past, it's like being with one foot in the grave. A grave filled with unpleasant memories and untold stories.
Yet the other foot brings hope, it is fighting the pain from the events that no longer exist. It gives me a reason to live another day, to wake up and do something. The eye that sees the present sees much clearer, but I'm afraid that it won't be enough in the near future.

Letter 3: Badb A.

    Another day has ended and I'm still lost. It's been a while since my last letter, I was too broken to function properly, too tired from the world and disappointed from those around me. To be honest I still am. I still cannot think properly but I'm trying to write this letter to you. I'm not doing this because I have to,no, I'm writing it just because I want to thank you. You've been around for a while and no matter what you were always there for me. I'm sure that if I tell you what's on my mind right now, you'd try to help me no matter what. I have no idea how to repay you because you've done so much for me. You really are the best friend I've ever had. I should quit my stalling, I want to ask you a pathetic question but I need answers... Was I ever helpful? Or was I just dead weight ? I'm afraid of the answer yet the thought of not knowing is killing me. That was the first thing I remembered and now it's the last thing left on my mind. I want to know so many things, but for now this is enough . I just want to know if I'm useless or not! Whatever your answer is just know that you will always have a place in my heart and mind!

Plastic Memories

 After the death of someone close, we are left with only bitter sweet memories, Memories with the power to make a person insane. After all that's what memories are for, reminding us of the dead. That's what I'm so afraid of, I fear the memories that leave us torn between the past and present. They are the destruction of the desire to live, they are the main cause of depression and aggression. They have the power to change a man like no other thing. No matter how many pleasant memories you have with someone, no matter what you have done for them, you'll always feel like you have done nothing in order to repay them, We take everything for granted, not knowing that we can lose everything we own in matter of seconds. What you will be left is nothing more than a broken heart and bitter nights with handful of destructive memories. I do not understand why people want to make memories, why on earth would you want to make something that will end up hurting you... Is really one nice thing worth all the trouble and pain?