A not so titanic move from someone who wants to be called a man

So now the girl I want you to be is just a memory.
And you may not be a hero, maybe that is not you.
You may not be out to save the world, but you saved mine.

And that geometry test, 
the one I know you haven’t studied for it,
even though it’s next period, 
I know you’ll ace it.
Like you always do.

I’m sorry for telling myself you’re what I want you to be,
and I’m sorry for ordering the pizza you’re allergic to, 
I thought you still enjoyed it.
Things change,
as they should. 

But it doesn’t mean that my memory of you will,
you’ll forever be my friend,
you’ll forever have a home, 
and most importantly you’ll forever be in my memories.

I wouldn't pull a Hannibal on you, I just want to understand what you're going through... Wait.... Wasn't he a psychiatrist?

I just wanna wake up,
wearing your skin,
see from your humble perspective,
the pain gone undetected.

And I just gotta hold on,
to your words,
feel the sorrow and sadness,
masked by redness,
of your cheeks,
when you go on your own,
listening to the same songs,
just to be reminded of your old friends.

I just wanna wake up,
right beside you,
see how peaceful you are,
now that the pain has gone,
away.

This will be the longest summer and the warmest winter

Call me a liar,
call me a failure.
I can be whatever you want me to be,
except for a user.
I'd never be your abuser.
I loved you from the bottom of my heart,
but you never believed me,
I loved you even when you wanted me not to.
There's this thing I can never accomplish,
and that is to be with you.
I screwed up,
once or twice.
Maybe more than that...
A lot more...
But I always had respect for you,
and I always will.

I can't believe how someone like you,
someone so gorgeous and pretty,
someone so smart and funny,
would love a failure like me.
How can I believe the words you say,
when you don't even want to spend time with me.
How can I believe that you love me,
when I always got the same answer.

Time after time when I wanted to speak to you,
I got the same answer,
"not now, maybe later".
Well later may never come,
cause I might not be here for long.
I don't want to say this,
but you were a curse and a blessing.
You blessed me with something I thought was love,
you cursed me with emotions I cannot get out of my head.

I cannot love anyone else,
I cannot imagine myself with anyone else.
You are the one that I loved,
you are the one that I'll love.

It's not you,
it's you and your friends,
the stories you've shared.
I understood that I'd never be like them.

I'd waste my nights away just to talk to you,
but the moment when I wanted to hear your voice,
you'd always shut me out,
cut me off.

I might've been paranoid,
who am I kidding I most definitely was.
I still am.
But I know that you will never stay 20,
you're gonna grow older,
be bolder,
you're gonna be stronger,
why would you settle for a weakling like me.

The words you muttered,
with a dozen filters on,
you wanted me to believe them,
when you yourself told me it was for someone else.

I hope I never see you,
just because I know that you wouldn't want to,
I hope I'll never talk to you again,
just because I know that it would kill me.
I know that you wouldn't notice me,
when most of the time,
I recognize you in someone else.

The last farewell this winter brought

And just like that, you're gone,
The memories fade away, you're lost,
No matter the action , the consequences are the same.
The thought of you not being here,
The thought of missing you,
Those are concepts I can't wrap around my head.
With fear I live the upcoming days,
Questioning my own existence,
Questioning my own rebellion, I slowly understand what you meant.
Honestly I miss you,
Nothing I do can bring you back,
But I'm thankful for giving me the chances I once had.

Letter 2: Aibh

We've known each other for a long time, we had our rivalry but became friends after a while. We spent so many nights talking, debating, laughing. I soon developed a crush which you noticed but you acted like you didn't know just because you liked the attention I was giving you.
I have to say, we both changed a lot since our first conversation. For the better or worse, I do not know but what I know is that we aren't those same brats talking about stupid topics. I looked up our chat history a while ago, it was an eye opening experience for me. I saw how you used me, but it helped me recognize the lies told by others.
Sometimes I wish that I've never met you, however for what it was worth it was worth all the while.
It's a good thing that not everything goes as planned. Imagine what a boring place it would be then, nothing to take you by surprise, nothing to keep your adrenaline rushing. I cannot imagine my self living in such world, but I know you'd love to because you always hated changes of a plan.
I hate how I had to tell thousands of lies just to make sure you are happy. Trust me that will never happen again, I will never again tell a lie just so you can feel better!

Letter 1: Ar

I never thought that it will come to this, me writing a letter just to express how I'm feeling. I'm just wondering what went wrong since you aren't saying a word. It's been a year since we met, sicne we chose OUR favorite song, OUR favorite movie. I guess this world is cursed and plagued without a possible escape route. I'm just wondering what I did to piss you off...
Now I am so sick of those crappy love songs on the radio. I'm sick of them because we used to listen to them together, we used to sing along, we used to have fun. What did become of our friendship? We became strangers in a matter of seconds. You were not the first person to go, but you hurt the most...
I remember our long conversations, I even remember the silence and how it was broken with your cute laughter. You were everything I wished for, a friend that knows how I feel without having to explain anything, but suddenly you turned into a landslide while I was resembling the city beneath you.
Huh, all those conversations about being here for each other... Guess I should've never believed words, I should've known that talk is cheap.
Well I do not know about you but I am afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving tonight. I think I'm lost without you. I know that this is useless because I am young and stupid, remaining wide and open while my heart is wasted. I know this because every time I try to look for you the sun goes down, leaving a void in my day. Void filled with darkness, aggression and depression.
Hell, I even miss you like the summer.

Changes ruin people

Simplicity is the answer to an utterly beautiful life, but that is not in our nature. We are the perfect living beings yet we are the most disgusting, most brutal, vile among others. Doing everything that is in your power just to make someone happy, when suddenly someone walks in with what they wish for, with what you were trying to achieve just for them, huh, such a strange world. You won't even receive a thank you, but instead of staying quite you choose to speak with the thought that your words will matter. Haven't you learned anything? If you actions won't matter to them why on earth do you think that your words will make a difference? You will be empty like the day after Christmas, everyone will talk about you, little will like you.
What will happen to you, only time will tell, paranoia will never leave you. Your last hope will burn down, your emotions will be blown out by the tides, you will become what you hate the most.
But that will only happen once the person who screw you over will be asking for your help. Yes, only then you will know what a sadist feels. You will be the one in control, you will be the one hurting people. That is the only feeling worth living for once you are hurt, betrayed, destroyed. That is the only time when your dreams will come real. Only then will your insomnia end, only then you will feel happiness again. None will be able to save them. No one.

Life then and now

Being alive yet having no life left, that is what you will feel if you walk a mile in my sneakers. I meet people that are too perfect, or so I think. Little do I know I'm befriending fools, deceivers, liars, renegades. Everything I try to do ends up being pointless. Never understood what's so great about life when you cannot share it with someone. It feels like no one wants to listen to what you have to say, no matter how important it is.
Hah, here I am laughing at myself because I do not want to admit it that I'm too depressed. I remember when I was just a child, I remember the days when I still felt alive, when I couldn't wait to go outside, the world was so wide back than and now here I am I cannot wait till I get home just to pass the time in my room all alone. I was so naive back then, such an innocent child, I thought that this world was a beautiful place.
I hate how little changed in this world, but I've completely changed. Now I see this world with disgust, nothing more than a place filled with beautiful things that are waiting to be ruined by mankind. I just want to go outside and scream and swear. I hate it how everyone tells me that time will make everything better, hell, I hate it when I tell myself that time will make everything better. The only thing that can make this world a better place is a loved one.
Yeah, I know it's cheesy but I think it's true. In a time when everyone backstabs each other, I think that finding a bastard you love with all your heart will make everything more easier. Too bad I cannot experience that. All I've been doing is falling in love with the wrong people, with people who seemed so sweet at the start, but the start was all wrong. People who said that they speak from their hearts, altough their hearts' all gone. Yet out of all people you make my time stand still, you are live vilence to me, you kill me, yet you have me forever and after. I feel like a hostage with a stockholm syndrome when I'm around you. You want it to be your way, no matter what, even if it means putting my life in danger just for your own benefit and within the same moment I immediately do what you say. She is unstoppable, unpredictable, I'm so jaded,calculated and WRONG. Please take me home, it's too late now, I'm gone.
I'm lost in this world, confused, tired, destroyed. I'm a real case of walking dead. I'm lifeless even though I'm alive.

Loneliness is my only friend

Whole day spent on thinking, wondering, but mostly being frightened by the thought of being alone. Although I've always felt loneliness, today was the first time I was afraid of it. It's not the being alone thing that scares me, no that is quite normal for me, I'm afraid of being used, I'm afraid of being ignored by those who I love and care about the most. Life is too short to be alone, but sometimes that's the only way out of a crisis. Loneliness is the only friend I really have, she is always there for me. Funny how you always meet new people, ditching your old friends just to hang out with the "cool" people. Endless cycle of screwing around, acting polite just to be liked, but when that fails you are eager to get in touch with the people who gave everything for you. Guess you are nothing more than a user and an abuser. I cannot believe that I fell for your sweet talk, cannot believe that I was lied to.
The more I think about it the more angry I get... I've always tried to help you when you needed it the most, but now once you have no use of me, you just find reasons why not to be around me. I know it's not my fault, well not this time. I know you too well, you got mad because you found someone who can replace me, you found someone that is a better version of me, or at least you think that, like many times before.
In every friendship I had, I ended up being used. I just wonder if I will ever find a real friend. That's why I do not believe in friendship, the only real friends are those who you grew up with, those friends know  your pain, they know your past,present and are helping you build a better future. It's hard to find friends like those, and the people who are willing to stay, well let me put it this way, they deserve a perfect treatment.

Life is about decisions

Life is based on the daily decisions we make. We always have more than one option, we just need to open our eyes in order to see all of the opportunities we have. I remember when we started talking for the first time, we couldn't stand each other but as time passed we became close friends, or so I believed.
I remember when you said that you easily get bored of your friends and I remember how you promised that we will always be friends, I guess I've been lied to again. Quickly after you started socializing you forgot me, I remember when you said that you would never trade me for anything, well now you did. You exchanged me for couple of new friends, I guess I became boring. I one of those "friends" which will always be here for you, but you will only talk to me when you will feel alone because your so called new friends cannot understand you the way I can. You said that it's not your fault, when actually it is. You chose to forget your "old" and "not so cool" friends, but I kind of understand why you continue to do so.
I remember spending nights chatting with you, listening to music together and watching movies. I miss those days, and I miss you even more. I know that I wasn't the best type of a friend but I was me, you lied that you liked me for what I am, you even made me promise that I will never change.
Although whatever you do, I will always support you owing to the fact that you have picked me up so many times. But I think this friendship was not meant to last, I guess we just go our separate ways and try to move on.