Truly alone

With a wish to feel happiness,
with a wish to see your face once again,
I feel as if I'm alone, put up against the world.

With memories of those high school days,
with memories of the sickening feeling called love,
I long for the day of the end.

Nothing I do or say,
nothing will stop this pain,
such a long and lonely road through the night.

Wasting everything I have,
wasting the time I once longed for,
now I know what it means to be truly alone.

Your mistakes are my burden

  Caught myself thinking of the past, everything that I hoped to last. Everything I do is somehow connected with all of the things I've done for you. I gave up my free time just so  you can have what you wanted, just so you can have the attention you asked for.
  We slowly came closer, as time went by I missed you when you were away. You told me lies that I believed. Once again you managed to deceive.
I tried to leave you but I never could, I came back to you like I always do. I came back wanting you to for give me for the mistakes that you've done, I wanted forgiveness for something I didn't do.
And after all of our troubles, you decided to leave without saying a word. You left after you told me the truth. The truth about your feelings, deeds and plans. Was that the truth you wanted me to believe or was it the truth you believed in... I guess I will never know.
All that is left now are the three words I constantly repeat, all is left is to let you know that somehow, for whatever reason I miss you.

The method of your lies

I counted the bodies, Lifeless and cold, I counted the heads, That you left confused. I saw through your lies, A method you always use, But this time you are wrong, And I'll see you fall apart. As the the world evolves, You think it revolves around you, But this time you are wrong, As you don't speak the truth. How can you say that you love, When you love only yourself, Now that you're all alone, You'll be left unknown. You believe in your lies, A method you always use, But this time you are wrong, And those who loved you are gone!

Your beauty behind my eyes

Every time you walk by,
I can feel the love coming from the melody of your steps.
Leaving a scent from the joy you spread,
I stand mesmerized.
All your words are kind,
the kind that can save the world.
Looking in the distance, free of worry,
I'm still hypnotized.
You glow as bright as the full moon,
your smile always makes me bloom.
It would be better if it wasn't just my imagination.

My wish

Made a wish, but it didn't come true,
I wanted to be only with you.
Instead I got the thing I hate the most,
a hand full of people that I don't even know.
I got the life I never wanted
Always ending back where I started.
The path we walk is more than just the present,
we are building our future, together,
and somehow we are always alone.
We are together spending time with the people we can't stand,
spending our days knowing that we all just pretend.
I'm tired of being spineless,
lost and as hopeless as much I am lifeless.
Spending my days the way you want me to,
althought I know I leave it as it is,
and it is all because of your tease.
Can all of this be changed,
can my wish finally be embraced,
I can never love what I got,
as long as it's not what I want.

Lost between doors

Forward you go, although your life stands still. Left, you look, trying to catch a glimpse of the things you don't know. Right, you think, you think as this is your creation. Backwards, you speak, making no sense as you freely roam the hall, the hall of life, opening doors that should forever remain shut, causing pain and distress, causing meltdowns. As you open one door you close another, leaving me behind in a room with light slowly fading. As darkness surrounds me, you lock the door, never looking back, forward you go!

Letter 4: Badb M.

The last person I trust, somehow I knew tat disaster would struck. You gained my respect now you are slowly killing me.
Badb, I was always there for you, yet you never bothered to ask me if I needed help. You used me just like those that were here before you. I thought I was strong but my heart cannot take this any longer.
But whatever, it's my fault. I don't blame you. I allowed this to happen.
I guess I never learn, but that is something I love about myself!
I don't care anymore, cause when I did it only pulled me down! And enough is enough. I was the one saying that we are responsible for the course our lives take, I said that nothing is predetermined yet I gave up.
I failed more than I succeeded so I gave up. And then what did I do? Nothing! I sat down in a dark room blaming you because you never wondered how I was doing. I blamed you for not being me.
Now I figured that  I was the one who allowed you to do so. I shouldn't be angry at you and I'm not! I'm angry at myself for being a weak and scared bastard, a bastard who was too afraid to take control and hurt your feelings from time to time.
If there is someone who fucked everything up, it's me so I don't know why I was expecting someone to listen to my problems. Why did I thought that you of all people would help me... What was I thinking.... Was it because you told me that you'd always be by my side?
Why did I believe the words of a liar? I remember when you talked crap about people that you disliked back then, should I say that they are your new found friends? You were calling them fat,stupid and ugly, but unlike me you didn't believe that or so it seemed. You were either lying back then because the friends you had were still around or you really meant those things but you befriended them because you lost your old friends.
You disgust me now. I cannot stand you but for whatever reason I cannot ditch you. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't do what you do. I don't want to do what you do. I don't want to become you!

What he was and what I am

   So you think you've been through it all, but did you ever care to wonder why? You think you're the centre of attention and you think you are a special star.
The truth is you're nothing more than a bloody whore, a bloody whore that he used to adore!
He used to love you but you left scars on his torso and face, yet he still loved you cause he thought you couldn't be replaced.
   Loneliness you used to be his everything, now you're nowhere to be found. Your absence changed him, even though you told him you'll be forever by his side.
  He trusted you so he became a reject. And although he had a home you made him feel homeless and u unwanted.
You told him that he was worthless and that everyone hated him.
   But now he has become I, I, a guy who just doesn't care, I, a guy who does not love nor a guy who hates. He has become I, a guy who fights for the sake of becoming someone, I, a guy who wants to be remembered!

My biggest fear

Living a life free of fear is quite boring. Nothing will be holding you back, nothing will make you understand that we are not limitless. What good is it if you cannot experience fear, after all it keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. Fear always opens our eyes. It helps us be more careful with our actions.
You've asked me many times what I fear the most, well here is my answer... I am afraid of monsters and ghosts. No, not those paranormal ghosts and scary monsters that feast on our nightmares. I am afraid of ghosts from the past, people I knew back then or at least I thought I knew.
There are many types of monsters in this world for example those that cause troubles, monsters who feast on our dreams, monsters which suck blood, and, monsters who tell lies. Those lying monsters are the scariest because they pose as humans although their hearts are long gone. They continue eating even though they are full, they make friends when they do not know how to love, in simple words they are just using everyone around them. I am afraid of them because I myself am a lying monster. I've always tried hiding the truth about me, I feel vulnerable when someone knows what's happening in my life that's why I am hiding as much as possible. Only few know what I really am thinking, what I'm living through.
It's those monsters that keep me up at night, making me plan my future, making me dislike the people around me.
I fear them the most not because of what they are able to do but because I do not want anyone to stand close to me. There are days when I cannot even trust myself so how on earth will I be able to trust someone else? There are always thoughts of betrayal in my mind. I always think that someone will backstab me that's why I am unable to communicate with people. That's why I chose to be a monster!

I thought about you

    It's been a while since the last time you ran through my mind and I have to say nothing is the same, your presence changed everything, it kept me sane. It's impossible to forget you no matter how hard I try. 
      When I think of you I have this picture of a blade of ice, lonely road, clear day, always sharp and cold, always beautiful. I am such a fool, why can't I simply give up? I know that we will never talk again but I cannot stop thinking about you. I hate you for saying that you'd always be by my side! I hate you for the kind acts you did. I hate you for helping me, for picking me up when I needed someone the most! I hate you because you cared about me... Why were you so nice? Why did you show me how it felt to be loved? You changed me completely! I hate the fact that I cannot hate you.
     No matter what you do just know that you will always have a place in my heart although I know that you wouldn't care and I do not blame you. I'm not worth of your time, and I know that we weren't so similar to begin with but I cannot stop feeling like the universe has left me without a place to go, leaving me somewhere between light and darkness, making me a spectator of your movement. I once had the power to guide you just as you guided my path, now I'm nothing more than a grain of sand. I am scared of the dark, yet I cannot step into the light because of you.
Society says that boys don't cry but I cannot prevent myself from doing so when I'm thinking about you.
 Until we meet again, slan...

Every story is unique

It's hard to hold on to this, whatever it is. It's almost impossible to control the emotions. I have to liberate myself from all the limits I set upon me, I have to understand my true potential in order to achieve anything. Sitting in a closed room won't help me in life, yet somehow I continue to do so... I'm afraid of the real world, mostly of the feelings and emotions i will have to encounter, afraid of the people I will have to meet. I'm not afraid of them because of some mental illness, no, I'm afraid because most people are selfish, jealous, callous. I'm afraid of them because I might become one of them. I'm scared of what they can do just so they can achieve a goal.
I'm a judgmental prick I know that not everyone is like that, but let's be honest most of them are. This summer was full of experience and I'm grateful for having the chance to meet and spend time with the awesome people who stormed into my life, they are the proof of my previous statement. Still I am haunted by memories of people hurting each other, the thing I fear the most, people betraying each other.
Somehow this world has become corrupted, filled with evil, not even love can make it a better place now. Knowing that there is no cure for the world, what cure can there be for me? If we cannot save the world how are we going to save each other... How can I save myself from a broken heart? How can I save myself from losing someone? How will I be able to stop the pain?
Is it worth going through hell just to find the answers? But I guess giving up isn't quite the answer we are looking, huh such a small world with so many decisions. The story of every life feels like a plot of a video game, where every living being is the protagonist of their story, stories that never repeat. Stories with different endings, each being unique.
Although nothing is perfect, we still wish to achieve such thing in our short but beautiful lives. We wish something that doesn't exist, we wish for something so usual yet never existing. We wish for perfection just like I'm wishing for you. Huh, I guess in the end I didn't hold on, I didn't stop myself from the emotions. I guess that's how life works.