So a secure network is used for trading, no wonder why I'm only going downhill

It happened again,
I know you like to pretend,
should we dismiss and move on,
try to wash it down and fly off.
At times like this,
I miss home.

You left me again,
you only cause pain,
should I turn away and shrug it off,
or do you still want me to hold on.
For the last time,
I'll carry on.

You told me again,
you tow shared a bed,
should you try and hide it,
acts can't be defied and,
in times like this,
I don't know.

(What's wrong?)
It happened again...
(Can't you carry on?)
It happened again...
Again and again...
(Just stay strong)
Again and again...
(Don't give in)
Again and again...

I can see your face in dry paint

The answers you gave,
the truth you didn't speak,
were the things I wanted to hear.

We still have our habits,
we still live our old lives,
hiding the things that shouldn't be seen.

What do we get if our feelings hide in secrecy,
what do we do when the things we love aren't real...

Somehow I love you,
I don't know why,
I need you.

With the energy I have left,
I reach for the remote,
trying to change the channel,
that you're always on.

As i turn the volume down,
you're getting louder,
as I turn off the TV,
you're the only one I can see.

The paintings on the wall,
they all resemble you,
I'd rather watch paint dry,
but there is no escaping you.

The most fun I've had,
it's been a while,
you're everywhere I turn,
haunting me with your smile.

The girl I loved so well

With my memory,
of you holding me,
and with everything,
that I wanted to be.

I'll remember the day you stood near,
with your smile and hugs,
all my dreams were done.

With my fantasy,
of you being by me,
I fall asleep,
in this misery.

I'll remember the day you left me,
with tears in our eyes,
everything that I loved was gone.

With my sanity,
I turn a new leaf,
but you're still in it,
and that's all I need.

I'll meet you again to make new memories,
with your hugs and love,
I'll have all that I need.

For when I'll finally sleep,
you will be with me,
holding you dear,
now it is clear,
you're all that I need,
to feel fulfilled

Another rant

The meaning of life is uncertain,
but mine I do know,
it is to be with you.
The days when you're gone are the hardest,
the nights when I'm alone are the darkest,
the bands that you showed me are the loudest,
but most importantly your actions are the meanest.
I try so hard to get you off of my mind,
but every method is unsuccessful.
You still haunt me,
you're a nightmare I don't want to end.
So this is what life without loves looks like,
nineteen years of being unwanted,
having but a few friends that still care,
one of which I thought you were.
I fell right into your trap,
I give up,
I can't go on,
I want this to end.
As I'm writing this I realise,
I'm saying the words you told me when we first met,
I'm saying the words you wanted to hear from someone else.

I am sad

Intimidated,
anxious,
miserable.
Scared
and
dying.
Inferior,
depressed.
Rejected,
afraid,
terrified,
hopeless,
envious,
rundown.
Broken,
empty.
Disturbed,
exhausted,
abandoned,
dead.