This will be the longest summer and the warmest winter

Call me a liar,
call me a failure.
I can be whatever you want me to be,
except for a user.
I'd never be your abuser.
I loved you from the bottom of my heart,
but you never believed me,
I loved you even when you wanted me not to.
There's this thing I can never accomplish,
and that is to be with you.
I screwed up,
once or twice.
Maybe more than that...
A lot more...
But I always had respect for you,
and I always will.

I can't believe how someone like you,
someone so gorgeous and pretty,
someone so smart and funny,
would love a failure like me.
How can I believe the words you say,
when you don't even want to spend time with me.
How can I believe that you love me,
when I always got the same answer.

Time after time when I wanted to speak to you,
I got the same answer,
"not now, maybe later".
Well later may never come,
cause I might not be here for long.
I don't want to say this,
but you were a curse and a blessing.
You blessed me with something I thought was love,
you cursed me with emotions I cannot get out of my head.

I cannot love anyone else,
I cannot imagine myself with anyone else.
You are the one that I loved,
you are the one that I'll love.

It's not you,
it's you and your friends,
the stories you've shared.
I understood that I'd never be like them.

I'd waste my nights away just to talk to you,
but the moment when I wanted to hear your voice,
you'd always shut me out,
cut me off.

I might've been paranoid,
who am I kidding I most definitely was.
I still am.
But I know that you will never stay 20,
you're gonna grow older,
be bolder,
you're gonna be stronger,
why would you settle for a weakling like me.

The words you muttered,
with a dozen filters on,
you wanted me to believe them,
when you yourself told me it was for someone else.

I hope I never see you,
just because I know that you wouldn't want to,
I hope I'll never talk to you again,
just because I know that it would kill me.
I know that you wouldn't notice me,
when most of the time,
I recognize you in someone else.

Is this what missing a livestream feels like?

Lonely parking lot,
followed by my lonely mind.
Even if you were here,
I'd still feel the same.

100th post

I thought that my 100th post would be about you but so far the only thing I can think of is the time before I started this stupid blog, the time when I didn't know you, the time when I didn't feel this way.
For now all that I can say is that although thankful for every moment we spent I will never forget what it felt like to read those messages. I'm sorry I was harsh and never did w hat you wanted me to but I never felt loved so I didn't feel like I needed to provide.

Messages in bottles cannot be screenshotted, right?

Forward the messages from your phone,
direct them to the back of my mind,
make sure it's something I'll never forget.

All my choices are things I'll always regret,
as you sleep in his bed,
I let it get to my head,
all the sorrow and dread,
I've ever seen,
no spirit in the waves.

So slowly,
I'm breathing.
So slowly,
I'm living.

When I write I write about you, when you read you read about someone else.

Yes,
everything that was ever said or written,
it was for you.

Although I'm at the parking lot you're still so far away from me (I'm sorry but I have to walk around every hour or so, the parking passes won't check themselves)

Fully furnished,
yet empty,
this apartment is haunted,
by the memories of that night.

I don't remember the numbers,
I only know of the water.
Nothing was washed away,
stuck like the paintings on the wall,
the burdens are mine,
all mine.

How much was wasted away,
as if the food was no good,
my brain got sick of all the stuff my eyes've been feeding on.
Feelings got to hurry,
all the trains are leaving their stations,
slowly going to the abyss.

All the planes have taken flight,
the cars have driven away,
every single ship has sailed,
the horses ran away,
only I've stayed.

Frightened and scared,
this little puppy hides,
it looks for shelter,
in a heart, not the eyes.
Yet the lies,
they make her happy,
she never really knew how to tell them apart.
The people around her laughed,
as the puppy slowly died.

As soon as the love was felt,
the puppy stood strong,
the stains were removed,
and the trains and planes returned,
the apartment felt like home,
and I,
I had you.

Bless in a dress (Or just a coincidence that happened at the right place at the right time, I honestly do not know anymore)

With your new red dress,
you walk with such class,
whenever I see you,
you just push me away.
With your new red dress,
you've made my life a mess.

We used to walk along all through the day,
now I can hardly see you,
just wanna say this to your face,
you empty me out.

Like your new red dress,
you're already stained,
easy to wash it,
yet it'll never change your face.